Feeding Therapy Update

Here is my feeding therapy…

But this isn’t what I’m really posting about. I’m posting about sweet Yaya. Here is a little of what we do around here nowadays…

What you see above is food play therapy. I cut up certain foods, put out some dipping sauces (Ranch and Chocolate syrup are  featured here) and I usually put out  colored paper. We paint with the food and dipping sauces and occasionally lick our “paintbrushes.” Sometimes we hold our food between our teeth or alternate putting it on either side of our mouth. Then we do more licking. We have gone so far as to bite off the end of a pretzel, green pepper and apple, but we mostly do licking. The plastic bowls are “pahtooey” bowls if we want to spit stuff out of our mouth that scares us or if we are done with a food and want to move on to a different one. The wipes are there for obvious reasons. Sometimes I have small bowls of milk and we get straws and try to blow Cheerios or Cocoa puffs around the bowl. I hope that one day she will suck up the milk…but that is a really hard concept for her to grasp. Sometimes we have pretzels that we dip in a sauce and then pick up cheerios' or puffs with them. We occasionally will kiss foods goodbye or blow on them if they seem scary.  And by now you all are thinking that I am out of my mind. It feels that way. But wait there is more! Yaya’s food aversion was described to me this way. Something solid in her mouth triggers her fight, flight or freeze reflex. Did you hear that…it is our most primal, basic response to fear…and I mean terrorizing fear. It is mind boggling to think Yaya has that kind of feeling toward eating! Plus, it doesn’t help that her gag reflex is off the chart. Now, I was once a skeptic like many of you probably are right now until last week when she accidentally bit off the end of a green pepper. Terror shot across her face, her eyes became as big as saucers and she frantically signed “Pain, pain, pain, pain!! My immediate response was to grab the pahtooey bowl and tell her that it would not hurt her, that I would not giver her something that would hurt her or cause her pain to play with. I told her she could spit it out if she wanted but that it won’t hurt her. She eased visibly and then tentatively started chewing but looking to me for encouragement. Which I totally gave her 100 fold! I was so proud of her and I cried, “You did it!” and she echoed, “I hid id!” (still working on speech) At any rate the fear is real and it is unbelievable. Moving on to meal time!

Well, she is making progress but it is not without cost to us…it actually is more time consuming and annoying to make her food rather than quick and easy. We have to grind or mince up food to put in baby food for the purpose of adding texture. You see the white food grinder on the left. We actually just graduated from using that this week. Now we mince/dice all the food we want to add. We are working on bigger texture and things that may require a chew or two in order for her to swallow it comfortably. All of it can be easily swallowed by us without chewing but for her it is new to have semi-solid objects with shape and form in her mouth. She is doing great and canned fruits and veggies are our friends.  Soon we will cut back on the baby food to gradually remove it altogether and simply lightly mash or dice up whatever food we are eating. We will likely be doing that for awhile. She won’t move on to “normal” eating for quite some time. Well, we don’t think she will at this point but she always exceeds our expectations. If we could get her off baby food that would be such a huge victory for her. To be able to eat regular food, but simply have it cut up would be awesome. We aren’t sure what her chewing capabilities are because no one knows how her teeth line up or have been able to really look at her little under-developed teeth. They look more like chips of teeth rather than fully formed teeth; kinda reminds me of a shark. Eventually we will get her to a dentist, likely this year, and they can give us better insight as to how hard it will be for her to chew something like steak or chicken.

Our other major victory happened recently…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is a toothbrush in her face!!! It only took us 11.5 months to get her to let us brush her teeth. Nice, eh? Pick you battles people! Pick your battles! Even the IAC doctor told us this about teeth brushing for Yaya. We had bigger fish to fry this past year. But she now LOVES for US to brush her teeth. She likes playing with it but I can, no joke, brush those little shark teeth till they are gleaming white and she loves it! Whew! Progress is progress even if it is slow! We celebrate the little victories!

Bear Scout Badge Earned

Well all my scouting friends will know what this means…Noah is now a Webelos I. This means he finished all the requirements for his Bear Scout badge. It is the last in the 4 true “cub scout” ranks. Then you get to  Webolos I & II. Which is sorta intermediary between cub scouts and actual boy scouts, but they are still in the cub scout pack. Anyway, it is a cool thing to see him advance in the ranks. They all got their new green/gold/red plaid neckerchiefs and they will have new khaki shirts next year. They were given their new neckerchiefs by a Webelos I’s that just advanced to Webelos II’s that is why there is a boy in a khaki shirt behind Noah with his hands on his shoulders. It’s a pack thing…

We are so proud of Noah. We look forward to next year!

A Year Ago Today Looked So Different

Noah captured our first glimpse of our newest little girl…then came the hand off.

Yaya and I were talking about this today and she said she was, “Angry, scared and sad.” How many adults are this open and in touch with their feelings?! P.S. She told me this before I showed her photos of the day. Now she giggles when she sees herself in the pictures pitching a fit. She also is quick to point out all the characters… “Mama! Daddy! Noah! Yaya!” Here is where we are a year later…

I had elaborate plans to blog about all the awesome things that have happened. But to be honest I just kinda want the pictures to speak instead of me. I’ll post something profound and touchy feely at a later date. I just got to cuddle her and talk more about the day we met and how things are now and what we are doing the rest of this week…and it was so normal. She snuggled, laughed, babbled and happily fell asleep holding my finger as I sang to her. That’s gold my friends…gold. Blessings dear ones!

Mother’s Day 2013

Such a great day! I am so blessed with the family and friends that I have. We woke up late today…8:04 a.m.! Unheard of! Eric made chocolate chip pancakes and bacon while I raced into the shower. I was finishing getting ready when Eden opened the bathroom door to tell me she had a Mother’s Day gift for me. Noah popped his head around the corner to say he too had a gift for me. I had to close my eyes and they led me to the playroom where they had their gifts on the table. Eden had made a canvas rose fist print piece of art for me and Noah had a mason jar with Russian hot tea mix in it. He hand made the card. Then I walked into the dining room to set down our drinks for breakfast and on the table was a bouquet of flowers and a hydrangea was in it…my favorite! And there was a Milkyway dark candy bar and a funny card from Eric.

Then we some how managed to get everyone dressed and in the car for church. We decided to go to our old home church, St. Peter’s Anglican Church and celebrate this day with the church family we hold so dear! It was wonderful to be there and to be loved on. It was such a gift and a blessing. I have been smiling the whole day. I haven’t seen many of these people in almost  a year! It was so great to show off our family and let the people who invested in Yaya’s life see the transformation that has happened in her life. All of our children were fawned over and it was wonderful, simply wonderful. We all needed a little TLC. We were one of the last families to leave….as usual and we got home and I got a couple pictures made with me and the kiddos!

We made some lunch. We played around a bit in the afternoon. We Skyped my parents who are in the Florida Keys right now. And then Yaya decided she was going to sit on her potty and wear big girl underwear! Then 30 minutes later…she used her potty for real! Talk about a Mother’s Day gift! You know you are a Mom when you are elated over “pee pee in the potty” as a Mother’s Day gift.

Monkey see. Monkey do. This is where Big Sister Eden really shines! Yaya wants to be just like Eden. They are sitting side by side in the bathroom. I figured it was inappropriate to put the full picture out on the web so the legs are enough. I didn’t realize how skinny Eden looks next to Yaya, I swear I’m feeding her!

Then I went to youth group for my last time at St. Peter’s. It was a lovely evening. We met at the Homewood park and played Frisbee and then went and got popsicles and ended up eating at the Purple Onion.  It was so nice and I came home to a cleaned up kitchen and two little girls getting ready for bed. I got to sing Eden to sleep and I got to talk to my BFF, Cathy. Now I’m quickly blogging and then I’m hitting the bed. It was a great day! Noah  and Eden were not really about having their picture taken, but Yaya loves a camera!

A first in a series of nostalgic posts…and a request.

So it was a year ago today that I was in the peanut aisle of Walmart and my phone rang and it was my husband calling to share the news that we were about to get Travel Approval to go get Yaya and wanted to make sure we could leave on May 8th…just two weeks from that time. You can jump here if you want the whole back story it was a fairly funny blog I think. It is a weird feeling to be roughly 3 weeks away from our one year anniversary with Yaya. Has it really been almost a year?! I recently read a friends blog who likened her daughter’s adoption story to ripples in a pond with respect to how many people her child’s story has touched. She then asked for people to send her comments / emails about how her daughter’s story has impacted people. She did this to honor her daughter and those that have followed their child’s beautiful story.

I’m copying this idea. Yep, straight up gonna steal this idea for my sweet Yaya. The only difference is that I think of Yaya’s story in a little different fashion. I see Yaya’s story as thin golden strands wrapping to and fro around the globe. I have said before if we could see and trace the lines of how many people Yaya’s little life has touched I think we would see golden strands criss-crossing all over the globe, with a heavy concentration here in the United States and it would be dazzling and beautiful to behold. So I ask those of you who are still around and still following our family to please share with us if you have been touched by Yaya’s story and if so…how. I want to collect these thoughts and stories for her to have one day. Perhaps in some fashion it will help her to know how important she is, not just to us, but to many. It can’t take the place of knowing her past, but perhaps it can be something she will be able to draw strength from in those hard times we know will come. I thank you in advance.

Blessings dear ones!

Feel free to email your comments to me or send them in a facebook message, or leave them here.

Here is the Williamson family of four on April  8, 2012          

 

And here is a photo taken on April 15, 2012 of the one who would make us a family of five.

Part of My Therapy

So a hobby is apparently part of the new “Me” program.  My the girls’ counselor actually assigned me homework that involved digital scrapbooking…how cool is she, who wants her as their counselor now?  So here are some of my first attempts at an awesome scrapbook method called Project Life. So easy. So simple. So fun!

Yes they are all of Eden. And don't you just love the two page spread above!? I’m trying to put more emphasis on her recently because she is feeling so slighted. I am trying to do the year 2013. So I have a little to catch up on but then I want to make pages consistently throughout the year as it progresses. With project life stuff I think that is doable since the pages take only a few minutes to make.  I print them out as 6X6 on white paper and Eden LOVES them. They are really 12X12 though. I will print them in a bound book eventually. Most of what you see here are January of this year. Except the top right corner, I did that one tonight from a set of pictures I just took. Anyway, trying to be a good girl and do what I am told. I think I could do it better at an Embassy Suites for a weekend though…

It’s not you…it’s me.

Okay, you know how when people  break up and one person begins the break up with the title of my blog. And you know what that person is really saying when they say, “it’s not you, it’s me,” is that it really is “you”.  Well I recently had an experience where it actually really was ME! The exact phrase I used jokingly was, “I don’t think it is them…it’s me.” And it was me! Oh how shockingly convicting, awful and good all at the same time.  What am I babbling about you say? Well the short version is this: for the past couple weeks, not a huge amount of time, the girls seemed to be regressing in their attachment and behavior and it felt very similar to the dark days (that we shall not speak of). I, of course, called up the attachment therapist and gave her the extended version of “the girls’ problems” and got an appointment to see her to talk about “the girls”.  Yeah, they have their junk alright, but the problems we are seeing do not lie with them…it’s me. ME! ME! ME! Like I need another person to take care of! Only, I am the most important person I should be taking care of…yet I’m not.  Us womenfolk are hardwired it seems to NOT take care of themselves. Ohhhh ladies out there back me up! How often do we hear the phrase,

“You are the most important person in your kids lives, so you have to take care of yourself.”

OR

“If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. AND Blah! Is it true? Well, heck yes it is! Is it practical, heck no it isn’t! I can't seem to take care of my home and children how am I going to fit “Me Time” into my life?!!! Seriously!????

Yes. Seriously. Not only do I no longer have permission to ignore my needs and self care. I also no longer have permission to parent poorly and not care about it. OUCH! Can we say ouch together? OUCH! May I just say that the counseling session did not go as I had planned our would have liked, but it was far better than I could have imagined. It’s that God gives you what you need, not what you want dealio.

So true confessions here for those of you in the trenches. It is not okay to harshly correct your adopted daughter when she is really anxious and regressing and not trusting you to begin with. It’s not okay to do it to your bio-daughter either…or anyone. In attachment here is a big key…if you want your children to attach to you, you have to be someone they can attach to. You have to be “attachable.”

(Let’s all say ouch again together…)

It’s not them…IT’S ME!!! Well no wonder they are regressing and begging for their father all the time. Their mother is ignoring them for housework and is strict and impatient at best. Mama is often harsh and has out of the blue has taken up the, “suck it up little camper,” mode of parenting. I don’t even want to be around me, much less cuddle and be all warm fuzzy with myself! How in the world do I expect these two little people I’m supposed to be caring for to want to attach to me? I mean really?!

Now before my well intentioned friends jump on me for throwing myself under the bus and then running the bus forward and backward over myself a dozen times. Know this: there are really good reasons for my apathy right now. I am exhausted and undone. I have shouldered the majority of the load for our family for  11 months; not because Eric wouldn’t help, Lord knows he wants to. But because he wasn’t allowed to help. It had to be me. I fall in bed exhausted and wake up just as exhausted.  I am now out of the house a lot because of doctors appointments and therapy appointments, it has eaten into my ability to keep up with the house. Hence the reason why the girls are left to their own devices more than usual. We are losing our connection because I am disconnecting to focus on the Maslow's hierarchy of needs rather than the emotional attachment stuff. Shelter, food, cleanliness…not blowing bubbles, rainbows and unicorns.

The result is that I’m weary and used up…and so I don’t care that Yaya wants to be picked up and reassured. As harsh words come out of my mouth and I am regretting what my mouth is saying while it’s in the process of speaking, I just can’t find the energy and inspiration to care. I know I should be building up and instead I am tearing down…and I don’t care. I can see in their eyes how I am wounding them, but I don’t stop. I know I am missing precious moments and I don’t care. I know that I’m on a course that desperately needs a course correction and yet I sail on into my own sin, self pity, self-righteous indignation, self-righteous anger and despair.  And most of what I just wrote is a lie that I have bought into, sold to me by the father of lies.

It is how I feel for the most part…but my feelings aren’t quite accurate. I DO CARE! Two weeks of marginal to poor parenting is NOT going to ruin my children and undo all that we have worked so hard for together.  I called the freakin’ counselor because I KNEW IT WAS ME!!!! I knew I had to admit it to someone else. I knew I needed someone to tell me that my behavior, while understandable, is NOT okay. Two weeks is enough, it had to end or I would eventually do damage that would not be recoverable. I knew I was under spiritual attack and I needed prayer. Condemned I was: You are a bad Mama. You are a horrible person. You don’t deserve these children and husband. You are so bad at everything you are doing. You are so selfish…and  all of that is a lie! For there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! (Can I get an “ooh-rah” for the book of Romans please?) People, I was a train wreck, I still sort of am. But glory to God that he is not content to leave me that way. He doesn’t want me to be in that dark place to begin with. How easy it is to fall into darkness when you look away from the light.

But I am getting off topic. So, what I learned is this. The bad news and the good news is that, it’s me. It’s bad cuz…well who wants to hear that you are having such a negative impact on your kids? And it’s good because the ONLY person I have any control over to change is myself!  I can’t make Yaya eat, or talk or feel secure all the time. I can’t make Eden choose to not be angry or willful or lonely or sad. But I can change me. All that mumbo-jumbo crap about self care…I gotta do it. The hard thing is that I have NO CLUE how to do that, or what it looks like for me. So I’m sorting it out, trying to figure how to fill my tank back up in order to empty it out again for my family, but not destructively. I know that going deeper with Jesus is involved. I know that getting out of my house alone is involved. I know that hanging out with my girlfriends is involved. But I don’t know how it all plays out yet. AND I have to fight second by second to not take on guilt for doing any of those things. So friends, if I haven’t scared you off will you please pray for me, you can pray for my kids too, but this day I ask prayer for myself, that I would find a way back to myself and my family. Pray that God would restore me and refresh me and fill me back up so that I can do more of his will. Pray for joy. Pray for comfort. Pray for peace. There is more I want to say but this really is enough for one post I think…it was probably too much.

P.S. Since seeing the counselor and getting all that junk out, I have parented so much better. I have made much better choices and the girls are responding…and there is joy there. Glory to God.