Feelings…nothing more than feelings…trying to forget…

Ya know, it’s just rotten when you feel like you are failing as a parent. Sigh…I feel like I’m failing as a parent. I’m not, of course, but I FEEL that way. And really there is no amount of encouragement or support from your friends and loved ones that can easily dismiss this feeling. You have to pray it out. Unfortunately prayer is not really what I feel like doing when I am believing I am failing my children. Isn’t that strange? After all this time and all the knowledge I have and the faith I profess, you’d think I’d go running into my Father’s arms; the arms that are never failing and always waiting. But no, either my own sinful nature or the lies of the enemy tease my ears to listen more closely and wallow in my own self loathing. How did I land here, you say? With all my light posts and brag sessions on my kids, the praise reports of all the forward progress…how do I sit here and lament my parental failure? In three words…my precious son.

Without going into all the details it was made very clear that our false belief that our son is old enough to take care of himself, so we let him, and he’s just fiiiiiiinnnnneeee, was shattered last night. Nothing bad has happened lest you think some weird acting out thing happened. He just shared what was on his heart, and mine was ripped out of my chest in the process and broken into pieces.  While it is true that he is self sufficient for the most part, low maintenance, and the least of my worries. It is NOT true that he is fine. He is the opposite of fine. He is in fact for all purposes…ignored, and it is hurting his tender heart way more than we ever realized. He has simply “sucked it up,” knowing that the girls need so much attention.  In the corners of my mind, I have been unsettled at the lack of attention he gets, it is the reason why we decided to homeschool Noah next year. I have watched him this summer sit behind a computer or hide in his room with his legos and thought…he is slipping away, like Eden did. But then a girl would scream or freak out and I’d brush the thought away and carry on ignoring that my son desperately wants my attention. Moving on.

Yaya has been really stressed out lately and we chalk it up to all the change in her life and all the things she is learning concurrently. We are even looking into other therapies and such, which may be useful. But really it is mostly because we stopped attachment parenting her the moment she seemed “fine”.  AND SO, when she acts out or freaks out she is met with a “knock it off” attitude or harsh response to “rope it in.” Zero compassion, grace or mercy. Now what child on earth, adopted or not, needs that kind of parenting. It’s like I don’t even know who Jesus is apparently!  It comes from a selfish and fearful place in me that simply panics because I think we are headed back to the dark days. I am of the mind that I refuse to go back to how it was, I won’t do it. I’m not proud of this but it is a response that is almost like a primal automatic reflex of self-preservation. And I just can’t control it. Many people who have walked this road before me and are who walking it with me now understand this with crystal clarity. HOWEVER, it is still unacceptable. Let me also throw in that fatigue and constant sleep deprivation doesn’t make my attitude any kinder or my mind any sharper or my heart any softer. I want a, “Calgon take me away,” moment!

Eden however is doing beautifully. She is blossoming and her sweet, kind, loving demeanor is back. Praise the Lord! But how can this be? Well, it’s like this, she is getting most of my attention. Go figure. I am a spinning plate side show act in a travelling circus of my own nightmares! It’s true!! I get one child plate spinning beautifully and the other two are about to drop off their sticks! It is never ending! Welcome to parenthood, yes I know, thank you. But this is just so intense and the stakes seem so high right now. They all seem so fragile right now! And, yes, this is just a season in our lives and it will pass. And, yes, I signed on for all of this and committed to it.  And, yes, I realize attachment is a lifelong process. AND, yes, I know that there is no quick resolution or fix for our family. But for the love, I’m weary…again.  Didn’t I just babble on about this a few weeks ago. It’s mildly unsettling that my bouts of weariness are occurring closer together. Or maybe I’m just getting better at recognizing them. Or perhaps, I had just been in denial or repressing the weariness all the months before. Or maybe just maybe, I decided talking all this stuff out more frequently was better than letting it rage on inside me. Why I have decided to purge it all on a public medium…well that is just one more sign that I really am losing my mind (maniacal laughter).

So, here is my solution…schedule. It seems so easy. Just schedule your day and make the activities include all the children…on their levels. No problem. Piece. Of. Cake.

NOT.

Okay so I would rather gouge my eyes out than make and adhere to a schedule, which if you know me sounds weird. I am ubber organized and such. However, just thinking about having to make a schedule of my day for me and the kids makes me wanna throw up a little in the back of my mouth (ewww, I think I just did). But schedule it is. I know from all my reading, that have refused to recall while in denial, tells me that my kids thrive on a schedule, especially, my sweet Yaya. A schedule of what to expect decreases her anxiety. Things like knowing when she will get to eat each day lessens her stress. Including Noah in on everything we do but tailoring it to his age level and interest makes him a part of the group and he gets the attention he needs. Plus, it’s more fun with him with us anyway.  The one thing that we have been able to maintain fairly well is the bedtime routine, praise the Lord. But the hours leading up to that recently have been comprised of the kids aimlessly wandering around the house trying to entertain themselves between mealtimes that were erratic at best. (I’m up for Mother of the Year, but I think that Hatmaker gal is gonna steal it from me. Darn the Today Show.) I cobbled a schedule together today and lo and behold, the day went swimmingly and Noah reported having a really good day. We all ate together, watched a minimal amount of T.V. together, painted together, did drawing together, read  books together, ate snack together…you get the idea. Now having said that I feel like I focused a bit more on him and less on the girls. So clearly the schedule can’t fix it everything but it provided a much better balance and distribution of attention and the house in general was much more pleasant and giggly. 

I have more solutions than just a schedule obviously, but I don’t have the energy to talk about them, cross reference back to weariness.

So, there you have it, I’m feeling like a failure because 2 of my 3 kids are about to stop spinning and fall of their sticks, I’m weary…again, and I’m gonna get a good schedule in place amongst other things.  I could have led out with this sentence and this would have been a much shorter post, course it would have made no sense without the backstories, but still (more maniacal laughter, and an eye twitch).

P.S. Did any of you know I have a husband? I think I ran into him at 2:30 in the morning in the girls room while Yaya was screaming like a banshee. We finally were in the same place at the same time at night. Who knew? Married! Okay enough sarcasm, I miss my husband.