Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A first in a series of nostalgic posts…and a request.

So it was a year ago today that I was in the peanut aisle of Walmart and my phone rang and it was my husband calling to share the news that we were about to get Travel Approval to go get Yaya and wanted to make sure we could leave on May 8th…just two weeks from that time. You can jump here if you want the whole back story it was a fairly funny blog I think. It is a weird feeling to be roughly 3 weeks away from our one year anniversary with Yaya. Has it really been almost a year?! I recently read a friends blog who likened her daughter’s adoption story to ripples in a pond with respect to how many people her child’s story has touched. She then asked for people to send her comments / emails about how her daughter’s story has impacted people. She did this to honor her daughter and those that have followed their child’s beautiful story.

I’m copying this idea. Yep, straight up gonna steal this idea for my sweet Yaya. The only difference is that I think of Yaya’s story in a little different fashion. I see Yaya’s story as thin golden strands wrapping to and fro around the globe. I have said before if we could see and trace the lines of how many people Yaya’s little life has touched I think we would see golden strands criss-crossing all over the globe, with a heavy concentration here in the United States and it would be dazzling and beautiful to behold. So I ask those of you who are still around and still following our family to please share with us if you have been touched by Yaya’s story and if so…how. I want to collect these thoughts and stories for her to have one day. Perhaps in some fashion it will help her to know how important she is, not just to us, but to many. It can’t take the place of knowing her past, but perhaps it can be something she will be able to draw strength from in those hard times we know will come. I thank you in advance.

Blessings dear ones!

Feel free to email your comments to me or send them in a facebook message, or leave them here.

Here is the Williamson family of four on April  8, 2012          


And here is a photo taken on April 15, 2012 of the one who would make us a family of five.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Part of My Therapy

So a hobby is apparently part of the new “Me” program.  My the girls’ counselor actually assigned me homework that involved digital scrapbooking…how cool is she, who wants her as their counselor now?  So here are some of my first attempts at an awesome scrapbook method called Project Life. So easy. So simple. So fun!

A Eden Title PageEden April beautyEden Page 2Eden Page 3Eden Page 5Eden Page 6

Yes they are all of Eden. And don't you just love the two page spread above!? I’m trying to put more emphasis on her recently because she is feeling so slighted. I am trying to do the year 2013. So I have a little to catch up on but then I want to make pages consistently throughout the year as it progresses. With project life stuff I think that is doable since the pages take only a few minutes to make.  I print them out as 6X6 on white paper and Eden LOVES them. They are really 12X12 though. I will print them in a bound book eventually. Most of what you see here are January of this year. Except the top right corner, I did that one tonight from a set of pictures I just took. Anyway, trying to be a good girl and do what I am told. I think I could do it better at an Embassy Suites for a weekend though…

Friday, April 19, 2013

It’s not you…it’s me.

Okay, you know how when people  break up and one person begins the break up with the title of my blog. And you know what that person is really saying when they say, “it’s not you, it’s me,” is that it really is “you”.  Well I recently had an experience where it actually really was ME! The exact phrase I used jokingly was, “I don’t think it is them…it’s me.” And it was me! Oh how shockingly convicting, awful and good all at the same time.  What am I babbling about you say? Well the short version is this: for the past couple weeks, not a huge amount of time, the girls seemed to be regressing in their attachment and behavior and it felt very similar to the dark days (that we shall not speak of). I, of course, called up the attachment therapist and gave her the extended version of “the girls’ problems” and got an appointment to see her to talk about “the girls”.  Yeah, they have their junk alright, but the problems we are seeing do not lie with them…it’s me. ME! ME! ME! Like I need another person to take care of! Only, I am the most important person I should be taking care of…yet I’m not.  Us womenfolk are hardwired it seems to NOT take care of themselves. Ohhhh ladies out there back me up! How often do we hear the phrase,

“You are the most important person in your kids lives, so you have to take care of yourself.”


“If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. AND Blah! Is it true? Well, heck yes it is! Is it practical, heck no it isn’t! I can't seem to take care of my home and children how am I going to fit “Me Time” into my life?!!! Seriously!????

Yes. Seriously. Not only do I no longer have permission to ignore my needs and self care. I also no longer have permission to parent poorly and not care about it. OUCH! Can we say ouch together? OUCH! May I just say that the counseling session did not go as I had planned our would have liked, but it was far better than I could have imagined. It’s that God gives you what you need, not what you want dealio.

So true confessions here for those of you in the trenches. It is not okay to harshly correct your adopted daughter when she is really anxious and regressing and not trusting you to begin with. It’s not okay to do it to your bio-daughter either…or anyone. In attachment here is a big key…if you want your children to attach to you, you have to be someone they can attach to. You have to be “attachable.”

(Let’s all say ouch again together…)

It’s not them…IT’S ME!!! Well no wonder they are regressing and begging for their father all the time. Their mother is ignoring them for housework and is strict and impatient at best. Mama is often harsh and has out of the blue has taken up the, “suck it up little camper,” mode of parenting. I don’t even want to be around me, much less cuddle and be all warm fuzzy with myself! How in the world do I expect these two little people I’m supposed to be caring for to want to attach to me? I mean really?!

Now before my well intentioned friends jump on me for throwing myself under the bus and then running the bus forward and backward over myself a dozen times. Know this: there are really good reasons for my apathy right now. I am exhausted and undone. I have shouldered the majority of the load for our family for  11 months; not because Eric wouldn’t help, Lord knows he wants to. But because he wasn’t allowed to help. It had to be me. I fall in bed exhausted and wake up just as exhausted.  I am now out of the house a lot because of doctors appointments and therapy appointments, it has eaten into my ability to keep up with the house. Hence the reason why the girls are left to their own devices more than usual. We are losing our connection because I am disconnecting to focus on the Maslow's hierarchy of needs rather than the emotional attachment stuff. Shelter, food, cleanliness…not blowing bubbles, rainbows and unicorns.

The result is that I’m weary and used up…and so I don’t care that Yaya wants to be picked up and reassured. As harsh words come out of my mouth and I am regretting what my mouth is saying while it’s in the process of speaking, I just can’t find the energy and inspiration to care. I know I should be building up and instead I am tearing down…and I don’t care. I can see in their eyes how I am wounding them, but I don’t stop. I know I am missing precious moments and I don’t care. I know that I’m on a course that desperately needs a course correction and yet I sail on into my own sin, self pity, self-righteous indignation, self-righteous anger and despair.  And most of what I just wrote is a lie that I have bought into, sold to me by the father of lies.

It is how I feel for the most part…but my feelings aren’t quite accurate. I DO CARE! Two weeks of marginal to poor parenting is NOT going to ruin my children and undo all that we have worked so hard for together.  I called the freakin’ counselor because I KNEW IT WAS ME!!!! I knew I had to admit it to someone else. I knew I needed someone to tell me that my behavior, while understandable, is NOT okay. Two weeks is enough, it had to end or I would eventually do damage that would not be recoverable. I knew I was under spiritual attack and I needed prayer. Condemned I was: You are a bad Mama. You are a horrible person. You don’t deserve these children and husband. You are so bad at everything you are doing. You are so selfish…and  all of that is a lie! For there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! (Can I get an “ooh-rah” for the book of Romans please?) People, I was a train wreck, I still sort of am. But glory to God that he is not content to leave me that way. He doesn’t want me to be in that dark place to begin with. How easy it is to fall into darkness when you look away from the light.

But I am getting off topic. So, what I learned is this. The bad news and the good news is that, it’s me. It’s bad cuz…well who wants to hear that you are having such a negative impact on your kids? And it’s good because the ONLY person I have any control over to change is myself!  I can’t make Yaya eat, or talk or feel secure all the time. I can’t make Eden choose to not be angry or willful or lonely or sad. But I can change me. All that mumbo-jumbo crap about self care…I gotta do it. The hard thing is that I have NO CLUE how to do that, or what it looks like for me. So I’m sorting it out, trying to figure how to fill my tank back up in order to empty it out again for my family, but not destructively. I know that going deeper with Jesus is involved. I know that getting out of my house alone is involved. I know that hanging out with my girlfriends is involved. But I don’t know how it all plays out yet. AND I have to fight second by second to not take on guilt for doing any of those things. So friends, if I haven’t scared you off will you please pray for me, you can pray for my kids too, but this day I ask prayer for myself, that I would find a way back to myself and my family. Pray that God would restore me and refresh me and fill me back up so that I can do more of his will. Pray for joy. Pray for comfort. Pray for peace. There is more I want to say but this really is enough for one post I think…it was probably too much.

P.S. Since seeing the counselor and getting all that junk out, I have parented so much better. I have made much better choices and the girls are responding…and there is joy there. Glory to God.