Beautiful Hard Moments

Friends we are 19 months home with our dear Yaya, a little over a year and a half. Much has changed. Much has improved. Growing physically, mentally and emotionally we watch our daughter start to bloom. We wait eagerly for her to blossom. We know it is coming but it is hard fought and it is still out on the horizon. We can see it and it offers hope…offers hope…Offers Hope. True words on different levels. Here is an exchange that was amazing and hard and served as a reminder to me that God is still doing the hard work of restoration in our daughter.

<screaming heard from the back bedroom> Eden runs into the playroom crying and informs me that Yaya just pulled her hair and hit her in the throat. Now this is not like Yaya to do this but not unheard of either. I try to calm Eden down and I check her over quickly for any “real” damage. I can still hear screams of rage from the back of the house. Running down the hall, calling Yaya’s name I wonder to myself how long this rage may last and what on earth triggered it. Thrashing around on the floor in the spare room is where I find Yaya. I run to her. I scoop her upright and hug her tightly to me. Standing and somewhat resisting my embrace, Yaya stomps her foot and points accusingly towards the door and screams, “ She left me! She left me! SHE. LEFT. ME!!” Quickly the Holy Spirit downloads into my mind the rush of words I need to say. The words she needs to hear. I marvel at how quickly the Lord allowed me to assess this situation. That may sound strange to say but so often, “I miss it.” I assess wrong and make things worse. At any rate, I begin to tell her. “Yaya, you are not alone. You are not in China. You are in your home. You are with your family. You are in your Mama’s arms.”  She breaks in, “And you love me.” My heart rips wide open, “Yes, Yaya, and Mama loves you. Sister loves you.” With each short sentence she comes down a level. Finally, I feel her weight shift and she leans into me to support her.

Eden appears at our side. I look at my sweet Eden and tell her this, “ Eden, Mommy is very sorry that Yaya hurt you. It was wrong of her to do that. However, I want you to know why she did that. You see, you and Noah come and go as you please in this house and feel very safe anywhere you are. You feel safe if left alone in a room. It isn’t the same for Yaya.” I feel Yaya nod her head affirmatively next to mine. “Eden, a long time ago Yaya’s Mama left her alone, and never came back.” Yaya, softly murmurs, “Yea.” Looking into Eden’s deep brown eyes, I see dark pools of compassion. I continue, “Eden sometimes, and I know it sounds silly, but sometimes when you leave Yaya alone in a room, she feels the same way she did when her Mama left her. She can’t explain it, but she feels scared and alone and angry. And even though she knows in her head where you are in the house, she still feels scared. So when you tried to leave the room just now, that is how she was feeling.” Again, Yaya whispers, “Yea.” At this point I’m thinking, “Can these girls really comprehend what I’m saying? I mean I’m almost too deep and pyschobabbly for my own self.” Quietly Eden asks, “Mom, can I talk to Yaya please?” She steps in front of her sister and puts her little hands on either side of Yaya’s cheeks and tilts her forehead down until she is touching Yaya’s forehead with her own. She quietly whispers, “Yaya, Daddy is making a fire in the fire place, do you want to come with me to see?” Yaya nods. Taking Yaya’s hand in hers, Eden leads her out  of the room saying, “Come on, let’s go.”

They run down the hall.

I lean back and weep.

Beautiful hard moments.