Friday, August 3, 2012

All I Know Is I’m Not Home Yet

Below is the lyrics to “Where I Belong” by Building 429…my new mantra…

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find
All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.
All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You
All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

[x2]
Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong

Friends…I keep saying international adoption (or just adoption in general) is not for the weak. However, I am beginning to understand that it is actually indeed for the weak…those who are so emotionally spent that they almost have nothing left give, those that are so sleep deprived that they can’t remember what their pillow looks like, those that are physically strained and with compromised immune systems, those that wonder why they did this to their family and to the one they adopted, those that are poured out and completely used up. This is what an adoptive parent looks like in the beginning stages. And the only way I can be a parent is to lean on my Father in heaven who adopted me and knows exactly what I  am going through. The only way I can parent well is to be emptied out of myself and filled up with the Spirit that groans on my behalf to the Father. When I reach my end and finally let go of my books, my workshops, my blogs, my yahoo support groups, my professionals, my doctors, my well intentioned family and friends and I just fall on my face before my Savior and Lord…then I can truly be the parent God created me to be (even when I doubt that is possible.) Now please understand, I’m not giving up on my books, blogs, yahoo support groups, professionals, doctors, friends and family they are all vital to the success of my family, HOWEVER, I need to be interacting with all these things while looking straight in the face of Jesus. When I take my eyes off him, all these wonderful resources are ineffective at best.

My friends, I have been poured out and spilled all over the floor. Hard days are these indeed. I have one child who has no concepts of parents and family, who is just trying to figure out if she will be given away again and lives in fear and sorrow. I have another who very clearly understands the concepts of parents and family and feels that hers have been hijacked and violently reacts to mundane things in her grief. I have yet another who is so compassionate that he wrongly puts all the needs of everyone above his own as if he were the parent and loses his childhood and so much joy in the process. Hard times. Hard to watch, hard to parent, hard not to condemn myself as being responsible for their pain. I was trying to take credit for their pain recently saying, “I did this to them all. I hurt Eden and Noah by bringing in this new child. I hurt Yaya by taking her away from all she knew. I have wrecked our peaceful wonderful family and injured and innocent bystander in the process. A bystander that didn’t ask to be adopted and ripped from all she knew…” You get the idea, and can see how this line of thinking goes now where but bad, really bad. And one night as my sweet Eden raged on and begged me to leave her room and leave her alone, I dragged myself out of her room and into the guest room. I fell on the bed in a choking, sobbing, heap, moaning; “Lord I CAN NOT do this anymore! I can’t do this.” And just like Jesus, he responded, “I know. But I can. And I have been trying to “do this” but you won’t let me. And for the record, I DID THIS, my sweet child. I did all of this, not you. I know what I am doing with precious Eden, courageous Noah and sweet Yaya. And I know what I’m doing with Eric and I know what I’m doing with you. Lay it all down dear one, give it back to me and let me parent through you. It will get better I promise, and my promises are true. Do you not remember them? Yaya’s life verse is one of my better promises…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, give you a future and a hope…”

Deep inhale…..yes, Jesus. I remember. Deep inhale. Take this world and give me Jesus. And it is better, not perfect but better. And I am not so foolish as to think it won’t get worse or that I am spared from suffering. But I am no longer parenting out of my own power and God has been so faithful to send several people to help us on this journey…friends, family, doctors, therapists, even total strangers. In my weakness I am strong. Adoption is only for the weak who are made strong in Jesus. Praise you my dear El Shaddai!

5 comments:

  1. This is beautiful in its honesty and truth. Oh, how I remember the days of "I did this to my family."
    Would you be willing to let us feature this on "We Are Grafted In"? (www.wearegraftedin.com) I'd just need a picture and a brief bio to use when it is featured so we can direct people back to your blog. Just let me know!
    Stephanie
    co-administrator of WAGI
    smurphy 28 AT juno DOT com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Angie! Thank you for being so open and sharing. As a Mama who has not adopted (yet), your words are salve to a wound of "mama guilt" I've been grappling with - a reminder that it is JESUS who parents through me! My child(ren) are HIS - HIS creation, part of HIS plan... and when my precious 21 month old rages against me and whines (fingernails. on. chalkboard.) and I feel useless in how to best guide, love, train, lead and be an example to him (for I want to fall on the floor and cry sometimes, too!)... Jesus says "IT IS ME! I am the one to do this THROUGH you." And how easy to forget in those days that are tough. Thank you for sharing your journey, your heart, your Mother's moments... it is encouragement and conviction of truth to me and I'm sure to MANY - who have adopted, who are parents... who need to be reminded that it is Jesus living through us, working out God's plan in our lives and HIS world, that accomplishes much. Love from Texas!

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  3. Oh sweet friend. My heart absolutely breaks for you right now. I have been through this. Said those very words. Accepted the same guilt and blame. And heard those same words straight from the mouth of the Father..."I can.". Know that you are on my heart and mind and in my prayers daily. Keep pouring yourself out...God will honor that sacrifice and He heals...

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  4. Crying for the family's sorrows & crying for this graceful moment, if that makes sense. Still praying.

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  5. Angie, Not trying to pester you, just letting you know that we're still interested in featuring this post on We Are Grafted In if you are able to send a brief bio and pic. I know life is crazy though, so don't feel pressure...just encouragement! :)
    Stephanie
    co-administrator of WAGI
    www.wearegraftedin.com
    http://wearefamily-stephanie.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete