Created For Care

***WARNING*** This will be a long post. It is about me…mostly. I am blogging it for my memory so I will remember how cool God is and how much he loves me. It will be more of a play by play narrative.  There will be humor and cool God stuff but likely a lot of blah blah blah. So if you need to wait on the next kid update…I’m not offended, I didn’t write this for anyone but me.

This is a hard and great post. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to this amazing conference, Created for Care, that is just for Mom’s of adopted children (or about to adopt) and foster care Mom’s. It is mostly comprised of the adoption community however. This is a conference of about 450 women and tickets go on sale in August for the March event. My good friend Julie got us tickets when they went on sale at Midnight on August 15. They were sold out by 8 a.m. later that morning. There were several reasons why I was looking forward to this conference: 1. To get out of my home. 2. To get away from my children (whom I love) 3. To get refreshed and renewed. 4. To hang out with these women.

#4 and #2 tie for importance…hee hee. No seriously, I was so geeked about getting to spend time with the 3 women standing with me in the picture above. These 3 ladies are as dear to me as some of my oldest friends and I’ve only known them a little over a year. We are all connected by the call on our lives to adopt. I have to start with Julie…(far right) she is how I met the other two. As most of you know, Julie is the Momma of the little girl Ella, who shared both orphanages with Yaya. I’ve posted about Ella and her family before. Julie is my link to sanity, my lifeline…she is the one person in my life right now who really, really, gets how hard life has been these past 10 months. She “gets it” because she is living it right alongside me. Same struggles, same issues, same mind numbing techniques, same loosing out minds together. Julie=Godsend. Enough said.

Julie introduced me to Sandra (far left). I love this lady inexplicably and you’d think we’d talk more with my affection for her. (hee hee ) I got the honor of getting to know her just a few weeks before her departure to China and then got to follow her journey to pick up her Chinese treasure and back. And I continue to follow this precious family. Sandra is so genuine and she puts it all out there. She is so enjoyable and I couldn’t wait to see her and spend some time with her. 

Sandra hooked me up with Jennifer (standing directly left of me). Jennifer contacted me because like Sandra and I her sweet girl had cleft lip and palate. We made our connection through surgeries and updates. She was the woman I knew the least, and I couldn’t wait to make her acquaintance! She was so open and honest and has the most compassionate heart. She is just love pouring out. Through her advocacy for other adopted families I had the blessing and honor of praying for some of the most incredible medical situations I have ever known.

Since August I was longing for this conference. I was nervous about what life would be like in the months to follow and if I’d really be able to go. When Yaya’s palate surgery got cancelled and rescheduled for Feb. 25…I thought I was going to have a total come apart for several reasons but selfishly because it meant that the conference would be held when Yaya was just two weeks out of surgery…well not even the full two weeks. I thought I might have to cancel. But God is so faithful and as you already know, the delay for surgery was divine and so many things happen in that two month wait that were incredible. So we felt that I could still go to the conference. We had no idea how bad the recovery was going to be with that horrible virus and it was a good thing we were prepared for regression in her attachment; she did not disappoint us. Eden’s regression in her behavior however, did throw us for a loop. It was as bad as it had ever been in our home those two weeks post op. Then the night before I was to leave for the conference…I got a stomach virus the likes I have not experienced since I was a child. I was literally up all night throwing up. People you don’t bounce back as good at 40 as you do at 15 when this happens. I greeted the morning with tears and anguish. There was NO WAY I could drive myself to Atlanta, GA and attend this conference. I was so devastated.

My dear sweet Mom was there to hold me, wipe my tears, tell me it would be okay, tuck me back in bed and pet my hair till I drifted off to sleep to get some much needed rest….HA! AS-IF!!! What really happened was far better, though it didn’t feel that way at the time. My Mom was there and she was compassionate and she did wipe my tears and hold me but then… she sat me up and told me to get dressed and started forcing Pepto-Bismol  down my throat. She forced me into a shower and told Eric to put my bag in the car. She got me saltine crackers, some water, and more Pepto. I was led from one task to another in a green fog of imminent sickness. I found myself behind the steering wheel one hour later than my originally scheduled departure time with tears in my eyes, silently begging my Mom not to make me go. She handed me one more dose of Pepto and said, “Now look at me and tell me seriously if you can drive.” I did a true mental check of my body and found myself nodding affirmatively. Then she sweetly backed up the porch steps and smiled big and wished me  a great time, told me that I could do this and to call when I got there.

I remember backing out of the yard on to our driveway and lying my head on the steering wheel briefly before pulling out onto the road. The only thought in my mind was, “There’s no way she will let me back in the house. Guess I better drive.” Praise the Lord for such a good Mama! She always knows what I need, even if I don’t want it. So glad she took the, “buck up little camper”, route that morning. The enemy did NOT want me to be at this conference. I made it about 15 minutes down the road and thought, “I can’t do this.” That thought was quickly replaced with, “She won’t let you back in the house…keep driving.” I laughed in spite of myself. And 3 hours later I was chatting with Julie on my cell as we were both driving around trying to find the hotel. I made it! Thanks Mom!

The hotel was BEAUTIFUL. Lake Lanier Legacy Lodge. It is situated on a lake and it was an awesome day; cold but clear. Julie and I checked in and went to our room.

It was a 3 mile hike to the room…no seriously, you could not get any further from the main hotel area than our room. But it was lovely. Jennifer and Sandra arrived the night before but were out eating lunch with friends. Julie dropped our stuff and flopped down on the beds. I was so thankful to be lying down, I can’t even tell you. We rested there, way past time to register for the conference but we didn’t care. Finally Jennifer and Sandra showed up and there was much rejoicing. As we were walking to register and go to the welcome session I passed a woman sitting in the hall. I paused and looked at her and said… “Do I know you?” Her reply, “No. But I know you. I have been following your blog and praying you would be able to make it. I found your blog through Rushton.” I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor. Are you kidding me?! The first person I meet knows me and my adoption story and has been praying for me to be able to attend this conference. Her name is Carroll Lane. I never got to really speak to her. I really wanted to. Carroll Lane  if you are still reading…I want to connect with you. And forgive me if I got your name wrong! I mean really, how cool is God?! I’m sure it is her prayers that got me to that conference. Thank you friend. Thank you.

We all went to the registration area and there were booths of stuff everywhere. I had forgotten my jacket and was freezing. I went to every booth till I found a reasonably priced light weight zip up fuzzy jacket that would be big enough to fit me and “the girls” and bought it. I have no idea what organization it supports but I know it’s related to orphans and I’m good with that. Ironically it is now may favorite jacket. Then we went to the welcome thing in the main room and were released to our first breakout session. I had chosen a session entitled, “Date with God”. It was a session about being creative in finding time to spend with God. It was pretty good then it was followed by an “experiential time with God.” When I walked in, I found a place to sit on the floor in the middle of a tent with many large pillows around it. I was one of 7 people on the floor the rest were in chairs facing the speaker. I sat behind the speaker, back against a wall with a giant pillow on my criss-cross apple sauce lap. Could I be in a more defensive posture or what?

I need to state that I have done things like this in the past. It is not new to me. I will admit that on this day I was particularly resistant to these activities. I just wasn’t “feelin’ it”. I’m fairly certain that I eye rolled a couple times and sighed loudly under my pillow of frumpyness. I did like what the speaker talked about, she was quite good. She is also a part of an organization called Hope at Home (more on that later.) Well the “date” began and people started moving about the room to different stations. There was a poster coloring station where drew something with significance…I can’t remember what. I’ll have to steal it from Sandra’s blog. Then there was the play dough station where you made something that represented what love looked like. Then there was the paint station where you painted how God sees you. The sticky note prayer request station. The giant world map station where you pray for different countries, people groups etc. The bible reading section. And the pillow prayer station (where I was already sitting). Also, you could get a seashell and a little tiny scroll with a bible verse on it as a memento of your time. While getting your shell you could ask for a blessing from the speaker (I forget her name). Then there were two women at the front who would pray with you if you needed prayer. One of the women’s names rang a bell, Beth Templeton. I knew she was a conference speaker and I thought she was related some how to the Hope at Home thing, but I wasn’t sure.

So I sat sulking, and still feeling sick. Then I reluctantly got up and started moving to the different stations. I told myself that clearly God wanted me here so I need to at least try to connect and participate. I drew on the poster, played with play dough, painted my picture, stuck a sticky to the wall with a prayer, prayed over Kenya, got my shell, avoided the speaker for a blessing, skipped the scripture reading and ended back on the floor with my resentment-frumpyness pillow. I sat awhile and tried to pray, I tried to not count this session as a complete waste of my time and energy, tried to have a good attitude and I got more sullen by the moment. Friends, I was tired. I was sick. I was lonely. I was angry. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I looked to where the two women up front were praying over people and thought. “Nope, not going there. I should just go back to the room.” I continued sitting, stewing, struggling. People were leaving the room now and it was emptying pretty fast…dinner was soon. I looked back to the prayer warriors up front. I said to myself and aloud, “No. I’m not doing it.” I sat more. Finally I said, “Okay God, I feel you prompting me but seriously, no. Not going up there.” More sitting. More stewing. More of me. Then the Holy Spirit whispered to me, “You said you’d give this a chance. You said you’d try. If you were serious then get up.” <BIG SIGH> “FINE! I’ll go ask for prayer. I don’t need it but I’ll go anyway.” I picked up my stuff and went to do the “I’m waiting from a respectable distance hover.”

There was a counter so I put my things down and waited and waited and waited. The speaker at the beginning of the session told us that the prayer time was not a personal counseling session so don’t spend all day. In my grumpiness I began accusing the current prayer recipient of this offense. And in truth she was there A LONG TIME. In fact, no one was left in the room except me, her, and the people who were working this breakout session. All participants had gone. This woman was not wrapping things up and I got tired of being obedient waiting. I picked up my things from the counter and  started to leave. I made it only two steps away when one of the praying women broke off and bolted for me and grabbed my arm.

Shocked would be a good word to describe me at that time. She quickly said to me, “Don’t leave I have to pray for you! The moment you walked in the room, you were on my heart and I knew I needed to pray for you. I almost came over to you while you were sitting in the pillows but I didn’t want to interrupt you. But I know I’m supposed to pray for you….WAIT…are you from Hoover?!” (My name tag had my city and state on it.) “Yes”, was my baffled reply. “I KNOW YOU! I am Beth Templeton, I am Pam’s sister, I’ve facebooked you before!” I gushed excitedly (gush excitedly, wait wasn’t I just a frumpy miserable mess??). I did indeed know who she was. She is the sister of the previous music minister’s wife of my old church. I loved their family. Eden and Yaya even have their daughter’s old headboards for their beds! It was like finding a long lost friend! She had facebooked me because of the Pam connection before the conference. I think I replied back…I’m not sure. I was going through stuff. I know she mentioned Hope at Home but I didn’t put together that she was the founder of the organization….duh. And ironically enough the Hope at Home facebook  posts have really encouraged and helped me. Beth writes most of the posts…yeah…it’s all coming full circle and into focus now. Anyway, I told her that I wasn’t really going through any sort of tragedy right now but that I was simply tired. I began to cry…and confess that while I was prepared for all the anger and rage and regression during surgery from Yaya, it was still so hard to take. Then coupled with Eden’s regression, rage and anger it was almost crushing. And the cumulative effect of 1o months of this plus a nasty stomach bug had almost brought me to the end of myself. I found IMMEDIATE understanding and compassion from Beth. She knows what I’m going through 4 times over…literally. She has adopted4 children. She grabbed the other sweet woman who was  praying with her and she too INSTANTLY understood and empathized. It was like a huge weight was being taken off me to be shouldered by these two amazing women. And it was A-MAZING! They prayed over me and it was so wonderful. The Holy Spirit was so kind not to say, “I told you so.” But instead to say, “I just wanted you to see how much the Father loves you.” And I smiled every time I could hear Pam’s voice in the voice of Beth who was praying over me. It was a two in one friend bonus. Such a sacred appointment God set up for me.

I showed up a bit late for dinner but I found my crew and caught up on their sessions. Dinner was Mexican…sigh…really…I just threw up all night and Mexican was for dinner. I had some tortilla chips and a sprite. The main session was next and after that at 9:30 was dessert. I just couldn’t do it. I was so exhausted, I had to go back to the room and go to bed. So I said good night to the girls and was in bed by 6:30 pm (central time).  I wish I had gotten to hear the first session and participate in the worship but I was just struggling to stay upright. I heard it was great though. The girls came in later and I pretty much dosed through their bedtime rituals and slept fairly well the rest of the night. I woke up the next morning about 85% better.  I was ready to tackle my day! It was a great day. And wouldn’t you know I had chosen a break out session that Beth was leading!!! (more on that later) .

A woman by the name of Carissa Woodwyk spoke at this conference and she was incredible. She spoke on behalf of the voice of the adoptee and what she had to say was so validating and convicting and moving. I . Love. Her. (but not in a weird way).  I’ll have to put a separate post on stuff I learned from her. It’s too much for this entry.

I want to jump to Beth’s session because she played two media pieces that were incredible. I will post them in this entry. Her session was on Connected Mom- connecting to God. Great session! When she played the first video it was really moving and I was getting emotional. When she played the song…I just broke down. I had Jennifer on my right and Sandra on my left and I was so thankful they were there. When I hung my head down and sobbed these two beautiful women wrapped their arms around me and just loved on me while I cried. It was like being covered with a warm blanket after you’ve been out in the cold. It was one of my favorite parts of the weekend. These two women that I barely knew, yet  are my true sisters were right there for me. I didn’t have to talk or explain, they just loved on me. God is so good. I am so thankful. 

One thing that I learned from Sandra is that I have one of those annoying pretty blogs that make it sound like everything is going swimmingly. She didn’t say it that way  at all and didn’t have any idea that I’d make this jump about her statement. She is probably spitting out her diet coke as she reads what I just wrote in fact. (hee hee ) What she said is this, “Angie, I had no idea you were struggling!” I replied, with jaw hanging open in disbelief, “But don’t you read my blog?!” “Yes, I do and I know that Yaya is struggling, but it doesn’t read as if you are struggling.” <hand smack to my forehead> Oh no! So before going any further I’d like to state to whoever had the patience to read this post this far….

I HAVE BEEN A TOTAL WRECK THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS!! It is undoing me in ways I never knew existed, and but for the grace of God, I would not be standing. I will post a totally separate post about this topic later. I just want to go on record saying I am sorry that I have deluded my readers into thinking I have it all together. I am a total basket case most days. There I’ve said it. Move on.

Here is the video that was shown. I need to warn you that there are scenes from The Passion of the Christ. So they are very graphic scenes of what our Savior endured for us.

Here is the song…there is no video. The song kills me! Love it!

I know there is more I want to say but I have to quit now or else start writing a book. Plus the last two things are so powerful, what more can I say right now.

So thankful to C4C and to my Mom, Husband, My three best girlfriends, Beth and Carissa. But mostly so thankful for a God who loves all the messed up broken pieces of me and continues to put them together into what will one day be his completed beautiful masterpiece.